Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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