yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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