don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
