And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
