she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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