The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
