Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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