If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
