oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
