Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
