I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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