look no pants
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
