i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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