Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
