He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
3 2 1 whiskey
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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