I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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