oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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