I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
