My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
