Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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