Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
