You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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