Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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