i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I need a beard to bite.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
