so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
