so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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