if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
