Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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