He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
