I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize