I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
