I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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