i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
