his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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