My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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