Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
