I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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