He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
