Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
