Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
