This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
