yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
