last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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