i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize