Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
