the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
