I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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