ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Randomize
