Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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