Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
