im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
