Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
