whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
