it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
