He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
