Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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