What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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