I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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