I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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