you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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