Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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