I wish I could teleport
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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