So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
