It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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