Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
