i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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