The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
