he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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