I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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